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Colonel Sanders has lived many lives. He’s teamed up with The Flash and Green Lantern. He’s faced down a multiverse of alternate Colonels. He’s been played by Norm Macdonald and Jim Gaffigan. But now he’s preparing for something he’s never done before: Colonel Sanders is becoming your boyfriend.
The gaming industry approached its apex today as news broke that KFC, consummate purveyors of fried food in buckets, is developing a Colonel Sanders dating simulator. Appearing on Steam this morning like Athena sprung from Zeus’s head, I Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger-Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator is being developed by Psyop for an as-yet-unannounced release date. The page includes screenshots of in-game play and characters, as well as a trailer for the game that actually looks pretty entertaining and fun and I don’t know what’s happening right now.
In the game, billed as “the most delicious dating simulator ever created,” players attend culinary school, learning how to prepare actual recipes, facing off against rival students, and trying to win the heart of fellow student Colonel Harland Sanders, who in the universe of the game is a stone-cold hunk.
The game also features a dog as an instructor. The dog’s name is Professor Dog. No further context is given or required.
The listing for the game boasts of a secret ending, as well as secret recipes.
The news is a shot across the bow for the rest of the fried chicken industry. While Popeye’s and Chik-Fil-A are out there arguing about sandwiches, KFC is actually innovating by branching out into new mediums. Which other fried chicken brand will be next to launch a dating simulator, and which beloved mascot will get a sexy makeover next? We all know Popeye’s heart belongs to Olive Oyl, and he’s already pretty hot to begin with. Perhaps the Chik-Fil-A cow is available? My money’s on Big Bo, the Bojangles mascot who must already hit the gym five days a week because he is swole.
No release date has been set yet for I Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger-Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator, so look for its release to coincide with the end of days.